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Communication
is the essence of social interaction. Poor
communication skills are at the core of
many frustrating relationship problems.
We tumble head first into communication
pitfalls when we go unconscious about what
we say and how we say it. Learning to recognize
these pitfalls can assist us in choosing
the most effective way to communicate. The
following are some of the most common communication
pitfalls.
 Right/Wrong
We all love to be right—no
one likes to be wrong. However, if one person
is right then the other person must be wrong.
Being wrong is not fun and does not lead
to open communication. Often the word "why"
implies that the action taken was wrong.
The use of exploratory statements allows
people to explain the action taken without
assessment.
Instead of "Why
did you do it that way?" try "Show
me what you’ve done."
Forbidden
Expression
Sometimes when we are uncomfortable
in a situation, we don’t want to hear
the truth. Forbidden expression tells others
it is not OK to feel and express themselves.
This does not lead to an honest, trusting
relationship. How our communication is perceived
by others is great feedback for us about
how we are communicating
Instead of "Don’t
cry," try "I see you are
upset—what’s upsetting you?"
Judgments
Our judgments about other
people are merely reflections of our judgments
about ourselves, and contribute absolutely
no positive value to any communication.
Instead of "He
is stone cold!" try "I
need to figure a way to be more effective
with him?"
Non-Accountability
When we are accountable,
we are neither a victim nor a martyr. We
acknowledge that we are in charge of our
life and how we perceive it. No one else
can make us do or feel anything. Accountability
adds power to our relationships, and
to our communication. When we are accountable
there is no room for blame.
Instead of "He
hurt my feelings," try "I
let my feelings be hurt."
Comparisons
When we compare one situation
to a prior one, or one person to another,
we are no longer operating in the present.
This affects our listening and diminishes
our ability to deal with what is actually
happening. Comparisons act
Instead of "She
is just like her mother," try "She
is her own unique person."
Vagueness
These are powerless expressions
that circumvent accountability. Owning up
to the current status and speaking the facts
allows a clear solution to occur. Vague
and imprecise is insulting to adults. Clarity
in our language eliminates guessing games.
Instead of "I’m
not quite prepared," try "I
completed...; I did not complete...; I need
the following assistance...."
Dis-Empowerment
No possibilities exist
for us when we feel the need to defend ourselves.
The most empowering aspect of life is acknowledgment
for who we are and what we have accomplished.
Empowerment is a critical component of accomplishment.
When we are celebrated for our contribution,
our willingness to work even harder is expanded.
If our purpose is to empower those around
us, we will also empower ourselves.
Instead of "You
could have done better," try "You’ve
done a good job so far. Can you suggest
any ways to make it even better?"
Hidden
Agenda
Personal goals unknown
to other group members are hidden agendas
and can destroy the effectiveness of a team.
When we are committed to a common cause
and our focus is THAT cause, no covert agendas
exist. Personal goals must be in alignment
with group goals.
Instead of thinking "What’s
in it for me? I want my needs taken care
of," try thinking "What’s
my commitment in this matter? How can I
make THE difference here?"
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